School update

I really don't like school right now. Part of it is due to the fact that I have two papers due in about a month, and it's just the "I don't want to write them" phase. I could almost care less. Another fact is that with the completion of the papers comes the completion of the semester, and that means I'm just around the corner from starting the period of the qualifying examination that separates those "qualified" to move on into candidacy for the PhD from those who aren't. It scares the heck out of me!

Our qualifying exam is formatted such that we each write a grant-like proposal for future research into a certain problem. The proposals have to be on topics we are not studying in the lab. They want to see us become as expert as possible on a new topic in about 4 months. We have different deadlines during that semester: one for the abstract, one for a meeting with our qualifying committee, a rough draft and a final draft, and then we are assigned a defense date. At that time we give a presentation on our proposal and answer ANY and ALL questions fired at us by the qualifying committee. I have heard other graduated students say that in some ways the qualifying exam is more difficult than the actual dissertation defense, simply because you do only have 4 months to prepare and not 4 years. One blessing for me though is that I will be done with all my classes next month and will not have to divide my concentration between classes and the exam. Many other students will be occupied with both, not to mention our normal lab work that steals away attention.

But, I am trying to remind myself not to worry about it too much. I can only do my best, and I'm just trying to take one day at a time. If I don't pass, I can at least leave with a Master's Degree, and it wouldn't be wasted time. Plus, I would have gotten some sort of degree for free. And also, if I don't pass, I don't think I'll be terribly disappointed at this point. My worth does not come from having a "Ph.D." attached to the end of my name, and at least I would have tried the program. On the other hand, if I do pass, it will be one more affirmation that I'm headed in the right direction and will provide a huge boost of confidence. So holler up prayers for me over the next six months.

The other reason I don't like school is because research results in the lab are not positive. In fact they haven't been for more than 6 months. Even in my last rotation before this one I wasn't having success with the project to which I was assigned. And now in this lab, it's been six months of troubleshooting an assay, hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think it's there. And it's not that the bulb is just burned out; I don't think there's even a bulb there at all. No success over that length of time can really get to a person. It is said in science that 90% of what you do doesn't work. In fact when all is said and done, a graduate student can look back over their notebooks after their PhD defense, and the bulk of their work presented could have been done in one year instead of 4. That is, with hindsight and knowing what would and wouldn't work before you tried it. But for me, after having exhausted nearly all attempts at making it work, today my boss and I approached the idea of dropping my project and picking something else for me to study here. We have a couple of other things to try over the next few weeks, but we'll be looking for something new in the meantime. It really stinks! and did I mention that I don't like school right now?